Monthly Archives: May 2012

Southern Belle Fashion

Sometimes, in the fashion world, a movement sweeps through and changes everything; skinny jeans, the return of bright colors, retro sunglasses-styles.  These movements blow up and tend to hang around for a couple years, moving from runways to the public, eventually becoming looks for hipsters who wear these styles ironically.

Then there are movements that just don’t make a whole hell of a lot of sense; saggy pants, side-ponytails, backwards ball-caps.  These looks initially make the wearer feel proud, like a peacock, and only come back to embarrass the once-proud peacock years later when someone finds the photos.  Another look that will inevitably end up a part of the embarrassing list is the jorts-and-cowboy-boots look.

You may wonder what I mean by jorts.  Jorts are Daisy Dukes, a pair of jeans cut into shorts (for our purposes “jirts” also means jean-skirts).

This look is retarded.  It is the sartorial equivalent of wearing edible panties with a business pant-suit.  No matter how “country” you’re trying to look, it ultimately just ends up looking like the prostitute escaped from the farmer’s fantasy-barn.  I see this look a lot here in Texas, especially on younger women.  I suppose it satisfies the urge to look both like a skank and an equestrian, so maybe it’s just a little role-playing.  The thing is, there are much more sensible ways to look slutty and country.  You could put spurs on stilettos, or maybe wrap a bra around your Stetson.

Image

This looks fucking stupid.

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Alaska V. Texas

I have something rather unpleasant to tell the good people of Texas.  You are not the biggest state.  Even if you tell me repeatedly that you are.  Even if you believe it in your heart of hearts, you’re not.  So, it would seem that perhaps not everything is really bigger in Texas, it’s actually bigger in Alaska, and probably less prone to lying about its size to impress other states.  They can just measure you, you know.  Let’s see, Texas is about 261,914 square miles, where Alaska is about 570,374 square miles.  That’s really not even close, which makes it all the more sad.  And you can find those statistics anywhere, just type that shit into Google and it pops right up.  Anyway, Alaska wins, Texas is just another guy with a sock in his pants.

Visual Comparison

To whom it may concern:

I hereby resign myself to live in this Godforsaken state a little while longer.  I’m not promising to like it, I’m not promising to try, but I will stop closing my eyes and pretending I’m somewhere else while I live here.  That said, this blog, which will undoubtedly get 5 views from my fiancee and her aunts (hello ladies!) is my attempt at dealing with living in America’s armpit.  At times I may be vulgar, at times my posts may read as humor, but I assure you that all of this is actually happening.  This is non-fiction.  For the 10 people I’ve met in Texas that pass for human and act decently by human standards: I’m sorry, you really don’t belong here anyway.  Welcome to the ultimate in Americana parody; welcome to Texas.