A drunk Texan on Craigslist at 10:00 in the morning.

So here’s the deal:  Like many other people trying to make a little cash these days, I’ve taken to Craigslist to unload some of my stuff.  Most of the interactions I’ve had have been harmless or even garnered positive results (two guitars sold!).  Granted, Craigslist is risky for everyone involved.  You never really know who you’re meeting, or the quality or authenticity of what you’re buying, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised with the results thus far.  I’ve been honest and fair in my selling practices, and aside from being mildly creepy, the buyers too have been honest and fair in purchasing.

All that said, I was messaged by a lunatic this morning.  I’m listing a flute for purchase for 100 bucks.  It’s hardly been used, and working at a music store, I know what these things are worth.  I had considered my listing to be pretty straight-forward:

“Hey folks, looking to sell an FA Reynolds student level flute. This is a flute produced in Abilene, TX, and is in great shape. You’ll be able to see how beautiful this instrument is from the pictures, and apparently the pads even look pretty good, though it may need a couple. It comes with a hard case and has been very gently used. Normally a student flute will go for upwards of $400 dollars, so this seems to be a fair asking price.

Check out the pics!”

At the bottom one can view four pictures of the flute.

Easy-peasy-no-fucking-problem, right?  Wrong.

I woke up this morning, after a 3 day flu that has decimated my stomach and sense of reality, and checked my e-mail.  There, I found the ramblings of a mad man.  Or a genius:

“Great looking flute, kinda small, though. Guess all they’ve got to do in Abilene is play small flutes when they’ve not rounding up rattle snakes to play. Ever seen a clarinet chasing a rattle snake? How about a trombone going after a small monkey riding a dogs back dressed up like a cowboy? Just kidding!!! I’ll give you $10 for your tiny flute, cash money, US dollars.”

I suppose I should also clarify – this is a normal sized flute.  Nothing crazy about it.  It’s not a magnet or a novelty for a pet mouse.  It’s a flute.

Initially, I was offended.  How dare this fucker talk to me about snakes and trombones and then offer me 1/10th of my asking price… how dare he call my flute tiny!

Then I thought about it from the perspective of a harmless, possibly inebriated Texan, perusing Craigslist at 10:00 in the morning, looking for the perfect tiny flute.  I have brought his dreams to fruition and he thinks I’ve typo’d and added an extra “0” to the $10 price tag this tiny flute should have.  It all makes perfect sense and I’ll be meeting up with him to exchange this flute made for such small hands for the $10 he proposed.

Or not.

One more reason, Texas.  Just one more reason I hate you.

Also: I was able to figure out his real name thanks to his ridiculous e-mail address, just in case this is to be an ongoing exchange.  I always like to know who I’m having an exchange with.


4 thoughts on “A drunk Texan on Craigslist at 10:00 in the morning.

  1. Eric says:

    Did you indulge this man’s nonsense? At least for a follow up response. This man obviously has much to share.

    • Steve says:

      I did. I told him that it was clearly an absurd offer, though I’ve yet to hear anything back. My hope is for a justification as to why it is not an absurd offer, and why this flute is made for Tinkerbell.

  2. The Messiah says:

    I overheard a guy at the store the other day trying to buy patio furniture by telling the sales clerk…”Yea, but I can offer you CASH MONEY!” after his initial offer was obviously rejected. This led me to the conclusion that anybody who uses the phrase “cash money” is a mouth breathing white trash redneck who would attempt to negotiate the price of patio furniture. I mean, what does “cash money” even mean in this day in age? That they can offer cash as opposed to….goods or provisions? Livestock? An I.O.U.? I mean I guess in fields like real estate an “all cash offer” is preferable to one that requires financing, but I’m pretty sure the agent doesn’t call up the seller and say “We can offer CASH MONEY!!” unless of course they are making an offer on a crack house.

    • Steve says:

      Haha, “mouth breathing white trash redneck” nearly knocked me out of my chair. I’m always surprised when people don’t offer me a traveler’s check and a “handy”, especially when it comes to Craigslist. “Cash Money” is surprisingly prevalent when it comes to peer-to-peer sales, as I’m finding out. The phrase must be making a comeback from the late-90’s gangsta rap era.

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