With it being the New Year and all, I have decided that the first post of 2013 needs to be directed at the subject this blog was set out to address in the first place. Texas. I’ve veered off a bit as of late with my posts, but I’m redirecting now in light of some startling discoveries I’ve made.
There are slogans that Texans seem to cling to when prompted with defending their crazy-ass state: “Everything’s bigger in Texas”, “Remember the Alamo”, and my favorite, “Don’t mess with Texas”. I would like to change this last one to reflect my new discovery about Texas and its inhabitants: “Don’t mess with Texas… unless you’re about to throw water all over everything… then just do whatever the hell you want”. You see, you can mess with Texas, or rather; the weather can mess with Texas.
It has been raining in North Texas the last couple of days, and you’d think that the Mayans had gotten the date wrong, ‘cause it’s the fucking apocalypse here when shit gets wet. People shrivel, shiver, and complain. They drive on the highways like they’re dodging raindrops at either 20 or 90 miles per hour (there is no in-between speed when bad weather strikes the Lone Star State). I have never seen so many accidents in my life. We aren’t talking torrential downpour here, we’re talking periods of isolated fucking showers. To make it all that much worse, these people get off on watching/participating in automobile accidents.
I have never seen such a large population with such a fucked up shared interest. The accidents themselves really don’t slow down much in terms of traffic, as they’re rarely more than a fender-bender, but the reactions make traffic so much worse. It’s like every one of the rubber-neckers has their little love-pump out while driving, satisfying primal urges to see another poor fuck who doesn’t understand how to properly respond to brake lights. If Texas ever does secede, and the rest of the Union goes to war, no guns will be necessary to defeat these cowboys. Just invest in Super Soakers and head on down to the highways. You could basically watch the state implode given the right time-frame. Spray the highways down, watch a few fucktards run into each other, don’t send out response vehicles, and watch the rest of them run into each other. Yep, everything is bigger in Texas, including the accidents.
So yeah, a little H2O goes a long way here, in case you ever really want to mess with Texas.